Hip-Hop Cop

Havin’ borrowed a Dodge Charger Police cruiser for one night, Assistant Editor Sean Malcolm quickly learns what to do—and not to do—while impersonating the Man

DO purposely screw with the holy trinity of enemies: your ex-girlfriend who dumped you because “you’re doing nothing with yourself,” your ex-girlfriend’s current
boyfriend who currently works at Papa John’s, and, of course, cabbies…just ’cause they never pick you up when you’re drunk off your rocker at three in the morning…bastards!

DON’T hang and front like you’re Teflon when Jamaicans sound the hood alarm (“gunshots inna da pussyclot air”) telling you to get off their block.

DO one, or all, of these things when running red lights and weaving through narrow roads in Brooklyn:

—Scare your friends by screeching up on them with the sirens blaring. Sure, they might piss in their pants, channel
the spirit of Jesse Owens and forever consider you a snitch, but the look on their faces will be priceless.

—Use the sidelights on suspected streetwalkers, notorious crackheads and unsuspecting weak bladder schlubs who use their tallywacker as a gardening hose for trees (Yes, they do grow in Brooklyn).

—And post up at a Dunkin Donuts to harass the workers (most of the time who moonlights as cabbies) to get free Crullers.

DON’T cruise Harlem at two in the morn’. DTs are scattered everywhere like subway-sized roaches, and you don’t want those Dipset-loving Harlemites—who are quite possibly inebriated off of Sizzurp and second hand hydro smoke—doing the chicken noodle soup dance on the hood of the Charger, ya dig?

DO pull over high-brow looking white folk while bumping Flavor Flav’s “911 is a Joke” from the patrol car’s speakers, but…

DON’T, after being pulled over by real police for pulling over white folks, have your homie riding shotgun use any of these words: pig, bacon, overseer, swine or flatfoot. Doing so might result in going to the bookings for the night and a damaged friendship. True story.

Sean A. Malcolm

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